Horrorfest 2007

If these 8 were the best they had, you’ve got to feel bad for the crap they had to wade through to get here…only to find that once you arrive, you’re stuck with 2-3 good movies. On the one hand you don’t want low budget, on the other hand, a higher budget will get you mainstream distribution.

It appears that Horrorfest is stuck in a middle ground working without the raw, hungry talent of the underground, and the access of the upper tier.

When in doubt, cast young, hot people, stage it at night, and make it so that cell phones don’t work. I will pay $20 to the first film that successfully includes correct usage of a cell phone in a movie.

Horrorfest 2007: Mission not accomplished.

The Deaths of Ian Stone 4-Strings

Guy dies repeatedly, but doesn’t know how or why. One of the Horrorfest, 8 Films To Die For. An honest to goodness 4 string here. The strongest of the bunch. A sci-fi monster film that you just don’t see very much of these days. I can’t say that I’ve seen a film like this before. So drink up…as for Horrorfest 2007, this one is the best that you’re going to find. A film worth going missing for.

Borderland 3-Strings

A fact-based(??) story about hot young people stuck in drug/satan-worshiping Mexico. One of the Horrorfest, 8 Films To Die For. A 3 because of the company it keeps…it’s a fine story, but not in the least bit scary. Starred one of the Hobbits, which was cool, just not very frightful. Not a film worth dying for.

Lake Dead 0-Strings

Hot young people inherit a motel. One of the Horrorfest, 8 Films To Die For. Played a lot like the mainstream film ‘Vacancy.’ This one stood out mostly for its terrible dialogue...the worst of the lot on that point. Not a film worth dying for.

Mulberry Street 4-Strings

Rats bite people to create “rat-zombies.” One of the Horrorfest, 8 Films To Die For. Of the 8 films, this one is among the strongest. I’d give it a 3, but I’m boosting it just because of the other train wrecks. Good tension, even if it’s an unbelievable story. A film worth being injured for.

Nightmare Man 2-Strings

Girl possessed by a mask. One of the Horrorfest, 8 Films To Die For. Shot poorly with what appeared to be a DV Camcorder. A camp-riddled film that, unfortunately, tried hard to be serious. Lots of randy lovin and tomfoolery, but the film worked hard to scare me, rather than make me laugh, which would’ve been better. Not a film worth dying for.

Unearthed 1-String

Monster/entity is accidentally unearthed. One of the Horrorfest, 8 Films To Die For. Hard to make a movie about a monster who wants to destroy the planet on a shoestring budget. I’m starting to wonder if I even know what a scary movie is. If people who are actually trying can’t do it, then maybe I’m not even certain about what I’m looking for. Not a film worth dying for.

Tooth and Nail 1-String

Cannibals vs. the eaten in post-apocalyptic America. One of the Horrorfest, 8 Films To Die For. My brother said it the best: if you’re going to do a “survival” movie, you’d better make certain that the protagonists actually try everything in their power to survive, rather than have them sit around and get picked off. I predicted most all of the major plot twists…ask my brother. Not a film worth dying for.

Crazy Eights 0-Strings

Eight people revisit their past. One of the Horrorfest, 8 Films To Die For. The best cast of the bunch, with a story that wasn’t very scary (is it a monster? Demon? Ghost? Who knows?). Slow and meandering, and certainly not a film worth dying for.

Death at a Funeral 5-strings

High British drama at a funeral. Lots of quirk and humor. My parents would love this one because it’s in the vein of ‘Waking Ned Divine,’ or, ‘Cover Girls.’ This movie does lack the heart of both of those films, is much more contemporary and will be off putting to people who like their English humor the old fashioned way.

Hitman 3-Strings

Hitman is betrayed by his organization and tries to figure out how/why. I don’t know the first thing about the game, but I enjoyed the basic stupidity of this movie. Cold killer survives against all odds. Brain candy at its most fattening.

Beyond the Mat 3-Strings

Documentary about the reality of wrestling. I was never a huge fan, and I’ve been waiting to see this for YEARS, but I presume it’s been held up in BS WWF/WWE problems. There were some touching and impressive elements. I caught this on Encore, but it’s worth viewing. These performers are people, and they have kids (whom they take to matches for some stupid reason).

Revolver 2-Strings

I liked this the first time when it was called ‘Lock Shock and Two Smoking Barrels/Snatch/Oceans 11.’ Tons of style, but I struggled to figure out the overall narrative arc of the story. I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s better than ‘Scarface,’ and that’s not saying much. The last scene ruins the movie.

Lake of Fire 2-Strings

Abortion documentary. Captures the ironies of the abortion debate…all of them. On the Left, intellectuals, on the Right, radical evangelicals and half-wits. This film seems balanced to liberals because it has the audacity to show abortions in progress and the byproduct of said abortions. When we quantize arguments of morality to skin cells and mosquitoes (Noam Chomsky) we depart from basic morality. Never mind that the argument is couched in the pre-9/11 days when “Christians” felt that it was their duty to bomb abortion clinics. If that’s your argument, fine, but don’t say that contemporary Chrisitans condone killing of doctors.

I’ve been going to church for damn near 40 years, and I’ve never heard a single pastor speak like the people I heard these guys speak.

I was once was at a discussion at Fresno Pacific University with C. Everett Coop. I asked him about what the church would do with the influx of unwanted children. I was told, and I quote, now is not the time and place for that discussion. We want the abortions to stop, but we won’t pick up the slack if we get them to stop.

I’d like to see a documentary about who pays for Planned Parenthood. I’d also like that doc to include a conversation about the woman who started it…she wanted to fund abortions in the inner city to limit the amount of children born in minority neighborhoods.

Look. I appreciate the reality of abortion, as well as its irony, but if you are a Pro Life republican, you’d better be against things like war and capital punishment. If you are a Pro choice democrat, you’d better be down with war and putting people to death who chose to kill others.

There are ironies on both sides.

Ultimately this is about how republicans are lame and democrats are not when it comes to abortion. Need proof? Lame Christians singing with their guitars and denim shirts, juxtaposed with an all girl topless, coat hanger in the vag (I’m not kidding) band.

Sorry Noam, there is a difference between mosquitoes and unborn children…and yes, I do appreciate the irony.

Discuss.

Wall E 5-Strings

Robot develops a personality. A touching story that will fly over the heads of little kids. I had to fill in the gaps for Annika, but she really enjoyed it. Not a ton to love, character wise, but it has heart and plenty of commentary about how modern America sucks: we are fat and lazy and incapable, a very cynical interpretation.

Trade 2-Strings

People (children) unwillingly abducted into sexual slavery. Kevin Klein shows up and the movie tanks/turns Hollywood. He ruins what is a perfectly good concept and the film becomes a study of revenge and fightback on a typical scale. Way too much hyperbole.

He Was a Quiet Man 2-Strings

Nerdloserkiller wants his victimizers to pay. A lot like ‘White Man’s Burden’ without the race angle. So many ‘pull the rug’ moments that I didn’t know I was actually watching the ‘real’ movie until at least 50 minutes into it. If you’re going to screw with reality, you’d better clearly create a fake and real.