Movie Review: Dawn of the Dead R-4 Strings

it appears that with modern times, zombie's run faster than they used to. watch the original dawn of the dead (197something), and then watch this one (200something). the ones in this film are wicked faster. and another thing...everyone in this movie turned in to barnaby jones (one shot gets your man). every bullet that leaves a gun hits a head. dead eye and a four minute mile!

Movie Review: Friday the 13th R-3 Strings

i had no idea kevin bacon was in this movie...he actually will do anything for a buck. animal lovers may want to steer clear, a live snake buys it half way through. its a real dialogue/scary sound/hitchcock kind of movie (which means slow). cool, but not the type of thing you might expect. i can tell you that this freaked the holy hell out of my cat, several times (hello surround sound!)--we all had a laugh with that, except for the cat, who will start peeing on all the furniture as soon as i leave the house just to get back at me.

fine movie. a bit too slow, a bit too 'mysterious'.

Movie Review: American Mullet NR-2 Strings

american mullet is a documentary about people who have mullets...none of whom are black, mind you. white? check. american indian? check. hispanic? double check.

the doc was a little too softball-ish. no real opinion, just a bunch of shots of what really ends up looking like greasy hair. love the mullet, or hate it, it does look greasy at all times. let me also say that back in the 80s, this hair style was called a bi-level (short and long). im just trying to retain some personal dignity here. i wouldve never gotten a mullet cut, but a bi-level? cue the depeche mode/u2/every other 80s band on the planet.

Back By Popular Demand: The World's Ugliest House Pt 2

my last shots didnt capture the glory of the suck quite well enough, so i thought id give it another go. you may have to click on the pics to get a larger view.

if i get more requests, i may take the good camera out and really get into this. of course the pretend cop may pretend ask me to leave, and if i dont, may pretend arrest me and/or pretend shoot me.

"why yes," i envision the owner saying, "that is an Easter Island head replica. and yes, that is a Save Our Zoo advertisement from 2 or 3 years ago. of course, that's a lifesize policeman statue...special ordered from kansas. i keep them all away from the fence because i was tired of people stealing them. and at $1.25 a piece, you could see how expensive that would get!"

Movie Review: The Omen R-5 Strings

until last night, i thought this movie was called 'omen'. i had no clue there was a 'the' in it. nothing says creepy horror like catholicism. this movie has it all, bizare priests, devil dogs, strange looking kids and nannys, AND gregory peck. back in the day, respectable actors were actually in horror flicks. this isnt 'the ring' or 'the grudge' scary, this is more along the lines of the exorcist scarry. just in time for the holidays.

this movie begs for a sequel. pleads for one. turns out, the followup movies to the omen are pointless, from what i hear...another disaster story of the 80s, i suppose.

SNL Sucks!

years and years ago, i used to watch this show with my father...many years ago before this show spewed chunks. i recently tried very hard to like this show again, but once i saw a skit parroting 'i love lucy' (a show 20 years before my time), i figured pretty much everyone else on the show is phoning it in, so why bother even trying to like it? good night, and good luck.

Movie Review: Exorcist R-1 String

im giving this movie one string for at least trying to be offensive. when this film originally came out, i thought reviewers were being unreasonably hard on it...turns out, they were right. i understand that holywood tried to make money on the original...who wouldnt? but this movie makes so little sense, that its not hard to be offended. the original exorcist was the most frightening movie ive ever seen. by comparison, this one is useless...that and the fact that i could care less about african tribal cultures...ive already seen 'the serpent and the rainbow' and it wasnt very good either.

Early Review: Harry Potter IV PG-13

its nice to see that all three of these kids are growing up hot, although i think weasley's on the watch list. lets hear it for hermione!

everytime a new potter book/movie comes out, its darker than the last. frankly im tired of hearing about it. at this rate, the last movie will likely end up with an X rating. lets hear it for hermione!!

Seperated At Birth--Heidi Fleiss and Michael Jackson

you gotta believe these two use the same plastic surgeon. of all the things we can do with science, it seems like this fakeface issue shouldve been resolved by now.

Movie Review: Team America World Police NR-5 Strings

rewatched this movie with my brother this last weekend on the bigscreen. this movie is so funny and offensive its painful. i initially thought that cutting 'the scene' was another example of corporate censorship run amok...until i saw it. yeah, there's no realistic room for that anywhere but on the dvd. hilarious in the wrong kinds of ways. go to audiocomedy.net (in the links) and listen to the music...i am not responsible for any of the content on that site!

I Still Think Ashton Kucher Is Hotter

people magazine retains some crediblity by going against current convention. yahoo reports:

Matthew McConaughey has been named the "sexiest man alive" by People magazine. The actor is pictured on the cover of People's annual issue, on newsstands Friday.

For the 36-year-old McConaughey, it's a clear sign that his career is in the midst of an upturn and that his girlfriend, Penelope Cruz, may be rubbing off on him.

something tells me that the company that owns people magazine is somehow connected to the turdfest known as sahara. "hey, sorry about that movie bro. can you do another movie with us? we'll trade you for 'sexiest man alive'. come one bro. lets disrobe and play some bongos."

with this award, the southern states, inexplicably, have one more thing they can brag about (aside from blatant racism).

wow, penolope cruz really gets around.

Eureka! Music More Boring Than R&B

the country music awards had a show last night. yahoo reports:

The CMA Awards held its first shindig in New York with its country twang intact Tuesday night, as Madison Square Garden was transformed into the Grand Ole Opry with rootsy performances from Lee Ann Womack, Gretchen Wilson, Sara Evans and Rascal Flatts.

theres nothing quite like an all caucasian parade. it seemed to be a going theme: all white, all american, all republican all the time.

people often make fun of hip hop names like 'young jeezy', and rightfully so. but is it really that much different than a name like kenny chesney? rascal flatts...fat joe.

can anyone on the planet argue that last night's train wreck keeps pace with the likes of cash, klein, nelson, brown? my how things have changed.

How Can I Miss You If You Don't Go Away?

i swear i thought they broke up months go. yahoo reports:


It's a wrap for Destiny's Child. The chart-topping R&B superstars gave their swan-song performance Tuesday on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

unfortunately, i think that this break up signifies that one of these three is going to die tragically, and then be immortalized as r&b mavericks (tlc anyone?). nothing gets attention like the breakup of a marginal vocal group. i'd also like to take this opportunity to affirm that beyonce has absolutely hit the wall.

Movie Review: The Grudge PG13-4 Strings

this was a surprisingly frightful movie for pg13...plenty of good clean jolts for the kids. the original was creepier, but thats to be expected. as we watched it, my brother and i couldnt figure out why sarah michelle gellar has an acting career. she's not particularly talented, and she's cute enough for the average blue-collar worker...i just dont get it.

Good Times Pt. 4

full sized arcade? check. hours and hours of gauntlet video games? check.

the death starcade comes through again.

Good Times Pt. 2 & 3

GOOD TIMES PT. 2--watching my second live football game, thanks to my brother. this was the first pro game ive ever been to in which the people around me werent a-holes. failed jock types were many many rows away, which made for an enjoyable time for me and my brother home. the ride home was a challenge...none of us knew exactly how to get out of downtown seattle...least of all me. right when the five of us got into our cab, some hot girls came up and asked us for the cab. sorry ladies, i fell for that one in high school: ugly boy gets suckered by hot girl who proceeds to ignore ugly boy...stupid ugly boy.

GOOD TIMES PT. 3--steelers killing the browns in hd...note the ultra casual foot pose. oh yeah, good times. i heard a great going to the bathroom euphamism: taking the browns to the superbowl. hilarious.

Good Times Pt. 1

much to play with at my brothers house. in this photo, you can see the entertainment basement. on the projector you can see brad playing grand theft--vice city. feel the burn you motha.

below you can see obi-wan's light saber. squint hard and you can see the lazer disc copies of star wars, original and updated. before dvds, there were lazer discs. remember those?

just for an understanding of how big the projector screen is, the tv you see below the screen is a 36" sony! go to the movies?? when youre rocking this?? i dont think so.

Finally!! Someone Has the Common Sense to Cancel Arrested Development

i know i know. this is a 'great show'. 'brilliant' and all that crap. but you know, when the horse is dead, its dead.

"its over johnny, its over."

Movie Review: Land of the Dead R-4 Strings

let me first say that i love zombie movies...all of them. dead people killing silly white people is always good times. always. believe it or not, this movie isnt as bad as one might think. it also isnt as good. really the worst part about the movie is the whole...american imperialism vs tragic populism angle. yeah, i know. romero kind of blew it by trying to take on that subject. dawn of the dead tried the same thing (zombies in a mall).

let me also add, that this is the grossest movie ive seen for a long long time. i had no idea you could pull a guys face of via his mouth.

Kirstie Alley Weighs In

move over oprah, weve got a new weight yoyo to absorb our empty lives. yahoo reports:

Kirstie Alley has lost 55 pounds and says she wants to lose more. Alley, whose weight gain was documented in various unflattering paparazzi photographs, said that when she started the Jenny Craig diet program, she was horrified at the results of her weigh-in.

she keeps announcing her weight, and we pay attention...i call it the sharon stone effect. she could lose 130 lbs, it still wouldnt change the fact that she's one of the most annoying women on the planet.

Concert Review: U2, Las Vegas 11/5/5

this was one awsome show. i have seen U2 7 times (the 1st was during their unforgettable fire tour in phoenix az--$20). this show was as good as any of them. mary j blige joined them for their song 'one'. later, the killers' brandon flowers came out to sing 'in a little while'. very diverse. they didnt work the stage a whole lot, but it was a solid as you can get in the city of sin.

i ran into old friends, which was most welcome. my 4 year old daughter was there for the entire thing, dancing and raising her beautiful hands for the show. it was a dream to share this with my child one day.

it was perfect. i really cant say it in any other way.

Movie Review: Breaking the Waves R-5 Strings

it may seem like, to most, ive given up on the movie reviews. NOT SO! ive been watching alot of off the wall stuff, and i pretty much figured most people werent interested in strange films. here is one of them that is of note.

this movie is a bizarre love story for wine drinking america. if youre a champagne drinker, or a high end vodka drinker, this one may be for you. keep in mind its a whole jesus/joan of ark thing. boys, if you want your girl to fancy you as an intellectual/artsy type, drag this one out. it won many many awards when it came out. many. go for it. you may be surprised.

Dibs!

tom has her now, but american pie (it was american pie, yes?) actor has bragging rights. yahoo reports:

KATIE HOLMES' former fiancé CHRIS KLEIN opened up about his ex-love over the weekend as he was out promoting his new movie 'Just Friends.'

The 'American Pie' star revealed how he and Katie's relationship was different from hers and Tom's. "I think it was something we appreciated, it was something we kept special for each other," he says.

much like me, klein was on his way to obscurity. but (if nothing else) at least he can say he spent time with katie holmes...unlike me. its bad for vince vaughn to follow brad pitt. its gotta feel great to be before tom cruise.

the jury is still out on whether holmes is actually a catch or not.

Bette Davis Eyes=Bad

can someone please tell madonna to stop wearing her eye makeup like that? and can we please do something about those teeth while we're at it?

love,
duhliterate

White White, Baby!

the funny thing is, he'll probably sell thousands of units. yahoo reports:

The dawn of Kevin Federline's hip-hop career has begun, though it remains to be seen if it will last past breakfast. A track by Federline was posted on the Internet by Disco D, the producer of his upcoming album, "The Truth," to be released next year. Though the song has since been taken off Disco D's Web site, it has popped up elsewhere, giving a glimpse of Mr. Britney Spears' rhyming, um, abilities.

look at the 'tude being pitched by yahoo entertainment...sassy! 'kevin federline, you've just married into blinding amouts of money and youre the father of another child...what are you going to do next?' 'im gonna make me a rap album. it cant be as bad as the black eyed peas last album can it?'

lets hear it for rap with no real street cred! its a retro move, and we havent had that musical assault since snow or vanilla ice. a brillant move fed, i gotta hand it to you.

Rap Group Trying For Best Comedy Album

im always stunned when people argue that rap music doesnt suck.

just when i think the black eyed peas couldn’t get any lamer, they release their latest single "my humps". First don’t "phunk with my heart" and now this. how do you go from a credible hip hop group to a soulless bunch of sellouts? then again, that does seem to be the trend these days in hip hop.

allow me to quote a part of the chorus: "my humps, my humps, my lucious lady lumps"

if they werent trying to be taken seriously, this wouldnt be so funny. how many years of high school did it take to come up with that alliteratve gem??

Tyra Banks...Advocate, Activist

the gloves are off. she's like oprah, but hotter. yahoo reports:

"It seemed like the last form of open discrimination that's OK, and I decided to put on a 350-pound suit myself and live that life for a day and see what happens," the 31-year-old former supermodel told AP Radio in a recent interview. "And it was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life."
"I started walking down the street and within 10 seconds, a trio of people looked at me, snickered, looked me right in my eye and started pointing and laughing in my face," the talk-show host said. "And I had no idea it was that blatant."

i wonder if those people were laughing at the suit, or the that it was tyra banks, and the fact that she's still on tv. its good that shes getting into what its like for the rest of us--she feels my pain. i also like the comment "former supermodel".

It's Not Stalking, It's Business

a photog looks for the ultimate pic. yahoo reports:
The Hollywood star called police Sunday after catching a paparazzo peering through the window of his Malibu home attempting to snap pictures of Pitt in his living room.

pitt kind of strikes me as an alpha male, and i have a feeling he knows how to wail on a person if he needs to. i wonder what he was hoping to catch brad (and his new family) doing? a nose pick? a 'junk scratch'? i do have the feeling, though, that it wouldnt have been very interesting. picture the headline now: BREAKING UP! BRAD PITT WATCHES WHEEL OF FORTUNE WHILE JOLIE COOKS IN KITCHEN

Duhliterate Site Passes 1,000 hits!

never mind the fact that many of them are mine. it still doesnt change the fact that rachel dratch is hard on the eyes.

Star Wars Battlefront II--5 Strings

move over halo. much stronger version of the original, though it will bother casual gamers (of which i am one) because in order to do well with this one, youre going to need to learn a bit more of it. the first battlefront was pretty much just point and shoot. this one takes some tactical stuff. i havent even started online. i played for about three hours last night. wicked fun.

i must tell you that i was mighty uncomfortable shooting the knights of the jedi order, but it was way cool to later be a head bashing obi-wan.

Happy Halloween-The Littlest Mermaid

i think im duty-bound, as a father, to show you these pictures.

Rumors, Not A Bad Marriage, Cause Therapy

i guess since no one else will listen to her, she has to pay for it. yahoo reports:

Jessica Simpson says the relentless gossip about her marriage to Nick Lachey drove her to visit a therapist. "Yes I have," the singer-actress tells Teen People in its December-January issue, on newsstands Friday. "I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."

'so then i could stare blankly at people, make random statements, and get paid for it...oh wait, i already do that. its like i already am a therapist.' man, i wonder how those sessions would go. i have a feeling she'd spend the entire time talking about herself. id end up paying $150 to listen how she'd deal with my issues.

Out Today! Star Wars Battlefront 2!!

i know others would disagree, but this has to be the best game ever. the anticipation is heavy, so i hope it pays off. im actually part of a klan Jedi Knights Order (JKO). please dont b other to tell me how lame that is...i already know. this is the only game i have bought on its release date, so that should tell you something. see you online!