Movie Review: Shaolin Soccer PG13-4 Strings

good, clean fun. stupid and goofy. its not as hilarious as it should be, but its plenty funny. if youre a simple fan of crazy kung fu movies and love hyperbole, this one is for you. this movie makes absolutely no sense...dumb special effects used for a good cause.

Movie Review: Master And Commander PG13-3 Strings

im really impressed they were able to stretch this movie out to over two hours. not much happens, but they get alot done. two ships doing battle. some die, some survive. youll have to work to get to the end...not really in a good way.

Movie Review: House Of Sand And Fog R-5 Strings

if you fancy yourself as a bit of an intellectual, check this movie out. nice and heavy and depressing. ben kingsley, pulling off the iranian dialect. american dream meets american reality and passion. nothing good can come of this. really good/depressing movie. just bear in mind: sand is created slowly; fog moves slowly.

Movie Review: Skeleton Key PG13-3 Strings

im not certain if this was supposed to be a horror flick or not. lots of loud sounds dont really make for a scarry movie. put kate hudson on the 'not ugly' list. the storyline was a little heady, but it had a nice twist at the end...not incredible, but nice. i felt like i had this story down by minute 38.

Movie Review: Cable Guy PG13-5 Strings

man this movie has so many one-liners. jim carey got dumped on for this flick, but between dumb and dumber and cable guy, you have a one two punch more powerful than star wars episode one and two. relax a bit, watch a good comedic film...we dont get many of those now-a-days. jim carey is funny: admit it. seriously.

Movie Review: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen-2 Strings

you, dear reader, know that i like my movies big and dumb. you can never have too many sfx, nor can it be too loud. this movie is plenty big and loud but its also rather long and boring. sean connery just isnt an action guy any more. i know he was the best bond, but he just cant pull this stuff together. poor sean.

Movie Review: A Christmas Story PG-5 Strings

it doesnt get any better than this. thank God for tbs and their 24 hours of this gem. i remember seeing this with my family in the theater, though i dont recall if my sister was there or not. 1983 wouldve put me in jr high. i remember feeling like an adult because i understood the nostalgia of the film. i dont recall anyone else being in the theater. theyre loss.

Movie Review: The Island PG13-5 Strings

if you like like your sci-fi big and dumb, this is the movie for you. this movie got absolutely crapped on when it came out, and i feel bad about that. this is a silly movie, but it really seems harmless to me. i was ambivalent about scarlet johansen in the past, but after seeing this film, shes most certainly in the club. all hail queen scarlet she's very very not ugly in this movie. this was on rolling stone's worst movies of the year list. either im the idot or they are. im betting its them.

try to keep up with the movies you people--im on vacation.

Movie Review: Kissing A Fool R-4 Strings

you know, you really should rent this one. if you like jason lee in his clerks character, youll like this movie. quite clever, and alot funnier than youd expect. good, clean, stupid fun. lots of one-liners...what uuhhp? good romantic fun. fellas, this will please you and the ladies.

Movie Review: Syriana R-4 Strings

if you like your conspiracies deep, this movie is for you. if you like em to go all the way to the top (and no i dont mean the presidency), then this is the movie for you. hard to follow, so bring your thinking cap. im actually impressed that this film got studio funding. maybe there is a little intellectual life left in hollywood.

Movie Review: Unleashed UR-5 Strings

what an incredible movie. i havent seen a movie this touching since rainman. sure theres the violence but it creates tons of underlining tension. come watch jet li act...really act. fellas, be blown away by this: if your girl is cool, she'll think youre a guy with emotions if you bring this one home. if shes not cool, she'll just think youre into violence.

Movie Theater Manifesto: Pt. 1

i recently saw king kong and had to move in order to not hear people talk during the dialogue (action on screen, me no speaky. dialogue on screen, me open mouthy, talk stupid).
ive come up with some solutions...

ATTENTION ALL MOVIE THEATER FRANCHISE OWNERS!

NUMBER ONE: do what shakespeare did...lower class in the front (the groundlings). in stadium theaters, $3 seats at the bottom/groundlevel rows. the rest of the seats are $1 more. poor people who are incapable of keeping themselves quiet will be seperated from those who want to have a quiet film experience. enforce it with the extra dolar you charge. i will pay a buck per movie to keep the idiots away from me...far away.

NUMBER TWO: turn up the volume. if you refuse to admit that the people who think laguna beach was a real show arent capable of staying quiet, they need to be silenced by loud volumes so that the rest of us cant hear them talk. turn it up.

united artist/regency cinemas/edwards...YOU ARE NOW PLACED ON NOTICE!

step up or shut up.

Movie Review: Screaming and Kicking PG-4 Strings

what a funny movie. youve gotta love will ferrell. this movie has got so much more slapstick than id ever thought. for anyone whose ever played soccer and lost, this movie is an homage to you. i played city league and the last three years the team i was on never won a game (nor tied). three years of city league without a win or tie. i know loss.

too bad this movie is about kids...ive never seen ferell so funny. this is the kind of movie martin lawrence usually does.

Movie Review: King Kong PG13-5 Strings

what a great movie! this is one you really need to see on the big screen...splurge boys, its the holidays. the fx are solid, and i cant wait for 20 years to pass until they are flawless. there are a few really lame moments in this movie. REALLY lame. i dont want to spoil the flick, so i wont speak further, but if youve seen the movie, you know what i mean. naomi watts is not ugly--not one bit.

Movie Review: The 40 Year Old Virgin UR-5 Strings

this film is hilarious along the lines of the movie office space: not perfect, but really really funny (you know how i know youre gay?) rent this movie when youre in a good mood. lots of funny lines. you'll particularly enjoy this if, like me, you have absolutely no game. geeks, gamers, collecters, comic book people...you know what im talking about.

Well There Go My Christmas Plans

heartbreaker bored with sex. yahoo reports:

"Weezer lead singer Rivers Cuomo is continuing his celibacy past his self-declared deadline.

The 35-year-old frontman earlier vowed to remain celibate for two years. Although that deadline expired six months ago, Cuomo still doesn't expect to jump back in the sack anytime soon."

never believe a guy who tells you to wait for two years. i shouldve known.

Movie Review: Stealth PG13-2 Strings

this movie is supremely bad. it was like a cross between knight rider and top gun...with jessica biel!! at nearly 2 hours, this movie was 40 minutes too long. keep in mind i like 'em big and dumb, and this is one of the biggest--just too much to hate here: plot, fx, overacting; take your pick.

Movie Review: National Treasure-3 Strings

not as good as the indiana jones series. a fun romp, though i cant say that it ever really surprised me, or, if it did surprise me, that i ever really cared. csi/law & order/criminal minds are probably all better than this movie (i wouldnt know, i havent watched any of those tv shows).

Movie Review: Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior R-2 Strings

i read in several magazines that this movie was incredible. while the gymnastics were incredible, the acting and the plot were not. if you like your muay thai boxing (and who doesnt) without wires, than this is the movie for you. impressive stunts. as impressive as any jackie chan acrobatics.

Movie Review: Christmas With The Cranks-3 Strings

im kind of tired of movies that are supposed to be good but arent (ong-bak: the thai warrior) and movies that are supposed to be terrible, but really arent that bad...like this one. simple plot with some funny moments and one liners. i recommend you watch this one while youre doing something else...like a jigsaw puzzle.

Movie Review: The Lion, The Witch... PG-5 Strings

part 1 of a friday night doubleheader. what a great film. this movie begs to be seen on the large screen. its not as graphic or violent as the lord of the rings series, so that may be annoying to people--it is a bit softer around the edges. but the film is rock solid. the littlest girl in the movie was annoying: she couldnt act, and she seemed like a ringer to get kids in to want to see the movie. i dont remember the books very well, but i dont think the film was really just about her.

Movie Review: The Family Stone PG13-2 Strings

part 2 of a friday night doubleheader. a bit too much cliche in it. worth a rent, but not the theater. honestly, i liked this movie better the first time i saw it when it was called 'meet the parents'. though, ive got to say, claire danes may actually end up on my 'list', if shes not careful. if you have a girlfriend, sometimes you just have to watch these kinds of movies.

Good Experience At A Movie Theater?

read the review for harry potter: goblet for more info. enjoy the view as my doc martins spread out in all that room. all 9 people in the theater behaved themselves. lounge, i tell you. lounge!

[Insert Clever Title Here]

really really tired...just like me. tmz reports:

A Simpson publicist has confirmed to TMZ that she did collapse, but that she's recovering well and should be fine. Sources tell TMZ that she was suffering from "exhaustion".

im betting a sleeping pill addiction. i wonder what japanese hospital food tastes like. you know what im tired of? how she keeps changing her hair color.

So Many Poles...

the jokes practically write themselves. tmz reports:

"So this is what the post-wardrobe-malfunction world has come to: NBC removed a steamy pole dance by former 'Baywatch' babe Pamela Anderson from an Elton John special which aired on primetime Monday night (Dec. 12)."

pam anderson...elton john...poles. who says our culture lacks any depth?

Hello, Hello! I'm At A Place Called Bank Account!

rich and righteous. tmz reports:

"The 'Vertigo' tour brought in a reported $260 million and was seen by more than three million people over 90 sellout shows."

of course, all that money could have come from the $90 ticket price (which, to some, is cheap). the first time i saw U2 was as a freshman at compton terrace in tempe arizona (1985). the ticket was $20, general admission, and a mere ten thousand people were there. the red rockers opened. back then, they were the only christian band (yes they were professed christians back then) that was even remotely cool. (petra, anyone?)

is it me, or does $260 million seem a little low for 90 shows and for how many bloody people were between me and the stage?

I'm A Wild And Crazy Bore!

you know, its hard to believe that such a funny guy can end up doing family schtick. tmz reports:

"The red carpet was a family affair Tuesday night as Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt and the rest of the Bakers were in Los Angeles for the 'Cheaper by the Dozen 2' premiere."

when i was a high school freshman in tempe arizona, my father got hold of a vcr, and while the rest of my family was out of town, he and i watched the entire steve martin catalog: the jerk, dead men dont wear plaid, all of me, the lonely guy, trading places and the man with two brains. can you think of a better weekend? "miss uuuhmellmuhay", "special purpose? i have a special purpose!", "you mean im going to stay this color?"

my dad taught me alot about humor that weekend, and its a shame that an icon like martin is doing children's comedy. i guess we all need money once in a while.

Is This Racist? I Can't Tell

does that sign behind shaqille o'neill say 'shaq is black'? i think im offended by that sign, though i cant really tell in these culturally confused times. and i hate to be dumb about this, but it kind of seems obvious doesnt it. shaq is black...right? maybe theyre bringing up the irish thing (oneil). maybe this was at the race draft (dave chapelle). like i said, im really confused.

then again, that could be an 'n' back there. shaq in black...its a whole ac/dc thing. shoulda known: miami heat, black, ac/dc. it all makes sense now.

Movie Review: War Of The Worlds PG13-4 Strings

let me first say that i havent been preached at this much since high school--and thats saying something. it appears that spielberg has an opinion about pretty much everything: imperialism, america, war, technology, the working class, humanity. this movie is so didactic (thank you graduate school film theory class) that its painful. dakota played the crying/scared girl perfectly, though she is getting a bit old for it. id like to make fun of her grill as well. normally id feel bad about doing it, but she made more in this movie than i will make over the course of several years--maybe my entire career, sadly enough.

Movie Review: The Wicker Man R-0 Strings

wow, what a bad movie. movies like this are a byproduct of having a netflix account and several magazine subscriptions which recommend nonsense like this (yeah, im looking at you rolling stone). this movie has it all. debauchery, pagan rituals, and absolutely no dialogue. not even beer would make this movie interesting. ive just finished a graduate course on film, and i know weird artsy films. this isnt one of them.