Semi Pro 4-Strings

ABA owner tries to get his team into the NBA. Lots and lots of dumb laughs, with a ton of crass. The story/plot falters, but I didn’t really expect it to do much else, and it slows down midway when it tries to tell an actual story. But Will Farell is top shelf in ‘tard mode. I hope he does this role forever. The music alone is reason enough to see this. Welcome to Funkytown.

Rambo 2-Strings

Rambo in the stink…in Burma. Same scenario, different ultraviolent/ignorant regime. I didn’t buy the ‘I’m so hard I HAVE to talk low and quiet like, if I raise my voice, you’ll actually die' thing. Stallone is so unnaturally yoked that it’s almost a joke. I respect the effort, and even some of the execution, but the pace, unreality and the brash American (stereotype) bravado are really tired.

National Treasure 2: Book Of Secrets 2-Strings

One clue leads to another as it pertains to the Lincoln assassination. One unbelievable intuitive jump after another. Big budget romp, but I didn’t buy it. Everyone was more of a ‘character,’ the geek, the cantankerous dad. Too heavy handed, too much.

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium 3-Strings

Magical man runs a toy shop. Better than the Willy Wonka remake. Plenty lame, but if you have a young kid, go for it. I, for one, am glad that I can watch something with my daughter that plays with fancy and fantasy. The very last scene was completely lame.

Margot At The Wedding 2-Strings

Sister goes home to a family wedding. Really a love it or hate it film. The dialogue is witty, at times, but it’s really sad watching another film about selfish, angry, immoral adults screw up their unreasonably mature and insightful children.

Lust, Caution 1-String

WWII Japan, complete with betrayal, power, and rape. This NC17 movie was terrible. Meaningless, w/ no addition to the WWII dialogue. Offensive not because of the poor plot, but because of the utterly unrealistic sexual scenarios. Very fast subtitles. Not hot.

Right At Your Door 2-Strings

Dirty bombs go off in L.A. Fantastic concept, but a terrible story that focuses on people trapped in a house rather than the FAR more interesting struggle of survival within a city under attack. It’s the movie you want to watch after you’ve seen the movie about what actually happened (like 'United 93'). During the entire disaster, the dude doesn’t think once about turning on his tv. Hooray for low budgets. Comes complete with conspiracy and unemotional death/heart.

American Gangster 4-Strings

True story about drug NY drug kingpin. I didn’t like the idea that this guy was a kind of cowboy hero (think Scarface). Noble to get out of the ghetto, to move up…until you realize how the drug czar is ruining the lives of thousands of people. I don’t buy it.

Rendition 2-Strings

American is killed in Iraq by a terrorist. Basically a movie about how America is the real terrorist. The politicians, of course, don’t care about the victims, and the people in the middle just don’t know which side they are on. Don’t bother.

ATTENTION MOVIE THEATER OWNERS/REGAL CINEMAS:

I recently saw The Incredible Hulk, and had to move my seat in the theater 2 times. The first time? I was sitting near moronic Big Brother/Big Sister type boys who couldn’t figure out that I, 20 feet away, didn’t want to hear what a 14 year old had to say. I moved to the other side of the aisle, in which a father was treating his two 5-7 year old sons to a PG13 film. I actually heard one of the kids say, “I’m scared.” Poor kids couldn’t stop talking, so I moved down by the Special Ed/We Were Brought Here In A Van guys, who were BETTER BEHAVED THAN THE “NORMAL” PEOPLE!!!!!! BETTER BEHAVED!!!!!!!!

How to fix theaters:
ALL MOVIES: $2 off. Kids are free, BUT you sit in the floor seats. $2 up charge and you sit in the back where people know how to shut up and appreciate that no one wants to hear a SINGLE THING THAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

Is it too much to ask for people to shut up?

The Incredible Hulk 4-Strings

Banner continues the fight. Good visuals and solid plot. I will tell you, however, that I am sick and tired of “heroes” doing their super aggressive/violent work with their wives/old ladies/girlfriends within 25 feet of them. I’m SICK AND TIRED of “superheroes” being killed by women. Call me a sexist, but think of the list…Batman, Spiderman, ALL of the Xmen. Let’s try a new idea, Hollywood: hero does his job without being compromised by a love interest.

I love women like the next dude, but I’m sick and tired of superhuman men being quickly and easily dispatched by an average gal. It’s not that she’s female, but that she’s no body in particular, and simply because she’s nice, the superhero is no longer super…he’s just a man. It’s like I didn’t read comic books at all as a kid.

Descent 0-Strings

Woman gets even for a rape. [Spoiler alert] Possibly the worst film I’ve ever seen. Passive girl falls for absolute moron. How does she get even? Re-seduces said rapist and gets him raped by a black man. Offensive, lame, and rediculous beyond belief.

Walk Hard 2-Strings

Fake documentary about an old-school musician. Lots of slapstick comedy, which is tragic because it tries to play straight. If you’re going to be “Airplane,” fine…just don’t act like you are making an authentic, middle of the road comedy (…Sarah Silverman).

The Brave One 3-Strings

Victim turns vigilante. Foster is fun as a cold vigilante. Remember Bernie Goetz? This film plays on the impotent American/woman who wants to strike back…think Michael Douglas’ ‘Falling Down.’ Is it OK to take the law into your own hands? Apparently yes.

Feast Of Love 3-Strings

Very likeable guy can’t find love. A worthy renter. Plenty to hate, plenty to tolerate. Plays heavy with the cliché, but pleasant to view, especially if you’re not in an angry mood. Entirely harmless, unless you count tons of nudity as harmless.

Michael Clayton 4-Strings

Legal ‘cleaner’ (think Mr. Wolf/Pulp Fiction) gets in over his head. Still follows the “something is missing” path of most George Clooney films of late. Though a little cryptic (espionage) and confusing at moments, but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. Stay focused, though; lots of names and plot angles.

In The Shadow Of The Moon 3-Strings

Documentary in the words of the astronauts themselves about the moon landings. Fine film with some new footage. But if you’ve seen “Apollo 13,” or, “The Right Stuff,” you’ve got a pretty good bead on the NASA space program, and can skip this one; otherwise, rent it.

For The Bible Tells Me So 2-Strings

Documentary about how every Christian/the Bible is wrong about homosexuality, cause what it’s really about is love. I will grant you, that the Bible, as a whole, doesn’t say much about sex, let alone homosexuality…I just don’t get the impression that when God pulled this all together he was thinking, “I’m planning on dudes hooking up with dudes.”

I Am Cuba 3-Strings

Documentary about how Cuba/communism is better than Democracy. Visually fantastic, but unless you are a DEVOTED film student, don't bother. The real shame of Communism is that it convinces the ignorant that they are worth something...like Democracy. But before you judge, keep in mind that Cuba just approved (in 2008) rice cookers, mobile phones and traveling across the country without papers. Welcome to 2008 you morons...try to keep up.

Teeth R 3-Strings (B)/Film Rant 3.0

Woman has teeth in her vajajay (blame Oprah). At first its a curse, but we eventually discover that she now has the upper hand with male/female relationships, because she can chomp off anything that contra(dicts) her. Empowering? Sure...especially if you'd like to rip off every Johnson you see. I trust that I'm a pig for saying this, but I hate to think that women hate men this much.

I will take this moment to establish that I long for the old days in which "nudity" in movies was code for "topless woman," not code for "Weinerschnitzel" constantly shoved in your face. I'm cool with the sausage, but I'm also down with the taco. I'm a little tired of movies in which the dong is [literally] cut, burned, or eaten (by crabs or dogs), when, in contrast, I see no other form of contemporary sharing. OK, I get it, men are heinous...is this our penance?

Kung Fu Panda PG 5-Strings

Zero (panda) to hero (panda). Very, very well told with a ton of physical comedy...yes, you heard me [skadusch]. Absolutely worth renting and easily worth paying for. Jack Black translates nicely into animation without flaw.

The Savages R 3-Strings (B)

Two people transition their aging father to his grave. Laura Linney frowns a lot. An average film by all accounts. If you fancy yourself to be a quasi(or real)intellectual, you may see this as usable. Rich kids who are stunned that their father is a pr!ck and they have to care about him enough to bury him.

We Own The Night 3-Strings

Two brothers work against, and with, the law. Reasonably told, but I feel like I've seen this before. One good brother, one bad one, and "who is right?" Eva Mendez is scorching, but useless in this attempt at "Goodfellas" depth. A period piece that didn't establish the period, but a solid renter.

Across The Universe 0-Strings (B)

Vietnam-era 21st century hotties (think O.C.) use The Beatles to process their troubles. One string down for not using Eleanor Rigby. Remember when you bought the "Forrest Gump" sndtrk because "you love those songs" and then realized those song suck because you only like the chorus (because the chorus is used on commercials)? This is that kind of movie.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age 3-Strings

Queen Elizabeth has trouble running the country among men. Pretty much the same movie as the original. She tries to love, but can't because of her role as queen. I don't buy it. Lots of cliche (public hangings, love triangles) seem to create a modern hue on history. On that point, I can't tell what is history, what is fiction, here.

Indian Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull 4-Strings

Indy goes after crystal skulls, more or less. The first 70% is vintage Jones adventure, though it tended to feel a lot like "National Treasure" at times. The last 30% is basically mission not accomplished. Aliens, vague loyalties and deaths, and non-answers. Blindingly bad. It's a romp, I guess.