Movie Review: Transporter 2 PG13-4 Strings

this movie is chock-full of stylized violence...like the movie bad boys, or the soon to be movie miami vice. its cool for sure, but it has been done before. alot of this is unbelievable, though thats probably why we watch this sort of stuff. the car chases remind me alot of the tv show chips. big and dumb, just the way i like em.

Movie Review: The Man Who Wasn't There R-1 Strings

this movie (also poorly titled as: the barber) proves that the cohen brothers are not perfect. curious idea (disgruntled 50s era barber fights against hair), but it ends up as dry and caustic as billy bob thorton's chin. speaking of, he chain smoked so much in this movie that it may have actually given me cancer. dont bother with this one. it goes from bizzare to nonsensical in under 15 minutes.

Why Is She Hangning Out With Bryan Adams?

that must've been one huge cup. yahoo reports:

The Mean Girls star was rushed to a London hospital last week after she sliced her leg open while breakfasting at the home of Bryan Adams, according to published reports.

Lohan had reportedly just stepped out of the shower Friday afternoon, when she lost her grip on a teacup, which smashed to the ground. A shard of the broken cup connected with the actress' shin, leaving a gash that required 10 stitches to close.

i may be old, and i may be stupid, but im not an idiot. several things dont add up: tea cup, shower, 10 stitches, bryan adams. as a kid i plowed head first into a parked car as i rode my big wheel. the bumper was made of quality american steel, unlike my head. even then, i didnt get 10 stitches. poor girl, cant even fake a good story.

Come On People...

eonline reports:
The chance to see Martin Lawrence redon the fat suit as an undercover agent playing nanny to some kids was too tempting for moviegoers, who shelled out an estimated $28 million for tickets to the sequel, making it the biggest draw of the weekend

im willing to put up with your continued shenanigans (dancing with the stars, wife swap, fear factor, golf) but ive got to draw the line...for the love of mike, someone's got to. how does this movie make a penny more than $225? smart stupid i can accept, but stupid stupid is simply out of the question.

"This Was The Only Religion Not Taken"

i need a new religion like a i need another hole in my head. tmz reports:
TMZ has spoken exclusively with the minister who recently gave Britney Spears spiritual guidance. Samundrala Krishna Ma Charyulu says emotion got the best of Brit.

the new trend in make-up is here folks! are you one of those losers still using two eyes? not any more! simply apply red ink and you too will be able to plumb the depths and mysteries of the unknown. voila, you now have a third eye. see over the top of nearly everyone around you. condescend the fools of western religion with one simple spot.

Early Review: Nanny McPhee PG

ive seen the commercials for this, and im thinking maybe they got the title wrong. perhaps the film shouldve been titled nanny mctooth, or nanny mcmole...or nanny mcaverage english woman. but that tooth. doesnt it get cold sticking out there like that? i think its on par with dakota fanning. nanny mcphee and dakota fanning star in 'dentist in hell'.

I'm Getting Hungry

ever eaten a pita? ottowa citizen reports:

Hamas captures majority of parliament

you know, for the life of me, i thought hamas was the stuff you put into pita bread--vegetarians wont shut up about the stuff. its actually not bad. now to think that the stuff i was eating may actually be people is really disconcerting. cute little bean, or violent culture. im feeling very confused and in a vulnerable place right now.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

is anyone really surpried?? with a name like savage. i mean really. yahoo reports:

Fred Savage is attracting curious stares and generating wagging tongues as he walks through The Abbey, a popular gay bar in the Boys Town section of Los Angeles.

i have a movement going right now to change the perjorative form of gay to gay (pronounced jay). its kind of like saying 'stop being so mexican' or 'stop being so white' instead of saying 'thats so gay' or 'stop being so gay, president bush', say 'thats so jay, president bush' remember, you say jay, but its still spelled gay. its so perfect, it just might work.

Movie Review: The Last Picture Show R-4 Strings

for the life of me, i have no idea why i snagged this movie. maybe i was feeling nostalgic. watch this movie is you have half a heart, and a whole brain. its slow...1971 slow. not for everyone. there are more character actors in this flick than a dickens novel. randy quaid jeff bridges and cybil shepard as teenagers. whats the movie about? its about teenagers in a small town. what do you think this movie's about?

Opie, Some Of Us Are Smarter Than You!

Tennis Is Suddenly Interesting

womens tennis: score 30 love. sydney reports:
Kim Clijsters survived a typically determined Martina Hingis comeback to seal a place in the Australian Open semi-finals and regain the world No.1 ranking at Melbourne Park tonight.

is it me, or are tennis athletes getting hotter? i was getting a little tired of hearing about pete sampras, or andy roddick. now its time for the fellas to enjoy the sport for a change. move over stephi graff! anna kournikova was actually a trailblazer...who knew?!

Movie Review: Wonderland R-5 Strings

oh what a wicked movie. felt like i needed to take a shower after this one. way dark. its a sort of biopic about john holmes...if you dont know who he is, im not going to tell you. the end of his life was shrouded in a drug-addled myster--4 people dead, and no one making much sense. this film does a good job of telling a straightforward story about a very bizzare person. if you have a dark streak in you and appreciate hollywood mysteries, check this one out.

Movie Review: Merchant of Venice R-4 Strings

im always suspect of any movie based on a shakespeare play. the typical mindset of hollywood has more to do with the narrative and less to do with the art of the work. that said, this movie wasnt that bad. al pacino (italian) does a fine enough job playing shylock (jewish), though he didnt pull it off as well as he couldve. lots of gratuitous barechestedness in this, which i think the director was trying to suggest as ribald romance...didnt work. kind of brainy.

Movie Review: The Exorcism of Emily Rose UR-3 Strings

this flick was well on its way to being a superior horror film, but it switched gears mid-way and turned into a courtroom drama--and not a very good one at that. its the kind of demon-based movie that americans simply dont seem to buy anymore. in that light, this movie does stay away from pandering and sensationalism. on average, its just your typical american demon posession.

Guys In Cowboy Hats Love Blondes

rodeos are so in right now. channel4 reports:

Hollywood actress Nicole Kidman is set to tie the knot with rock star Keith Urban.

this article offends me. keith urban...a rock star? is there nothing sacred? jimi hendrix is rolling in his grave. i dont know what urban looks like, but i bet he's got just enough facial hair to give him that mildly rebellious look that apparently blond movie stars are into right now. 20 bucks says he'll get married in blue jeans. (the boots are a given, right?) i hope she hyphenates...nicole kidman-urban. tis got a good ring to it.

Movie Review: The Jacket R-5 Strings

as i watched this movie i thought for sure it would end with me just being confused. not the case. adrian brody has got one unique face. its good to see people with attractive eyes and ugly faces getting into the movies. havent seen that happen since jeff goldblum. keira knightly...well well well.

Alright People...Step It Up!

sometime i just dont know why i bother. yahoo reports:

Personal blogs, millions of them, are spreading on the Internet like kudzu, from LiveJournal.com to MySpace.com. Professional blogs such as Gawker Media's gossipy Defamer.com draws some 270,000 page views per day.

im getting a couple dozen hits a day...far short of 270,000 hits per day on other sites. i find this to be totally unacceptable; especially in light of the fact that livejournal.com and myspace.com are completely lame. anyone over the age of 17 with a myspace account needs therapy. heres the deal: ill update this a bit more frequently, and you tell everyone you know who is alive, and one person who is dead about this site. deal? deal.

Diva Alert Stage One

so what if all her fans are under the age of 15? yahoo reports:

Singer Kelly Clarkson, who vaulted to fame as the first "American Idol" winner in 2002, is now apparently refusing to let any of her songs be used by new contestants on the show.

does anyone really believe that kelly clarkson writes her own songs? i recently saw a close-up interview with clarkson, and wow is her complexion terrible. now, everytime i look at her skin, im going to think 'hello, main street usa!' get it? pavement? complexion?

"The Whole World's Gone Gay!" -Homer Simpson (Part 1 & 2)

i like how people who dont agree (for whatever reason) with the gay/homosexual/bisexual/quadsexual/octasexual/polysexual/transgender/
bi-gender/defining-yourself-by-your-sexuality crowd as homophobes. dude, im just not into other dudes. if you are, thats fine. stop beating me over the head with it. im not going to go on a march with you because i dont define myself by my sexual preferrence or gender or race--you do, but i dont. for some of us, there are more important elements to life than who we sleep with (or love, as the case may be). as for the movie, i dont know anyone whos actually seen the films. i will tell you this (as stated in my 'globes' post), the golden globes are a 'foreign' press award. i dont know if any of you realize this, but europe and most of the rest of the world doesnt really like us. 'you have a president acting like a cowboy? we like the movie about gay cowboys. empire falls? lets vote for that one!' in hollywood its a known fact. these wont win a thing at the academy. tmz reports:

Are this year's Golden Globes a watershed? Some people, like Joe Solmonese, president of the gay-rights group Human Rights Campaign, thinks so since six awards went to movies with gay or transsexual central characters. "It was a historic night," he told The Associated Press on Tuesday. "I think it says a lot about where we're going as a country."

a couple of years ago the same thing was said about black/african-american actors when denzel and halle won. well you can see how well that turned out. not a substantive film from either of them since. jamie foxx is well on his way to cuba (gooding jr). im not happy about it, im just trying to assert the fact that its only a movie. ill say it again...its only a movie. theyre only actors...it doesnt change the fact that you still dont have a life.

Golden Globes...the key to all wins

latifah...shut the hell/f--- up!! focus on pizza hut ads. if you want to know who will win the award, ask yourself, which movie will make america look the most like morons? in doing that, you have the winner. do you know a single person who's actually seen commander in chief?? she wins?!?!?!? hate america? WIN!! love america??LOSE!!

Movie Review: The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou R-5 Strings

when this movie it came out, it was absolutely slaughtered by the critics...critics who only like pretentiousness when they themselves are the ones handing out said pretentiousness. this is by the director of royal tannenbaums and rushmore, who aparently lives on 'irony street'. but bill murray is hillarious in this movie. not as dumb-funny as ground hog day, but his character is somewhere between lost in translation and caddyshack. a delightful movie. take note steve martin...a comedian who is actually trying improve with age. i am, however, sick and tired of angelica houston--one note samba. willem dafoe is outstanding here.

Movie Review: Kinsey R-4 Strings

not a bad movie. im kind of surprised this got made, but im not at all surprised that when it came out, no one went to see it (including me). its a period piece of the first order, and challenges quite a few elements of society. im really curious how much of this is based on fact and how much is fiction. kinsey was alot farther out there than i was lead to believe in college.

Movie Review: Marathon Man R-2 Strings

i read this because people/reviewers wouldnt shut up about how good this movie is. im going on record saying that this bordered on lame. i know its all about the conspiracy theories, but i think tv shows are doing a better job at conspiracy than this one. maybe for its time, but that was 30 years ago. the famous torture scene wasnt that bad either.

Movie Review: Hotel Rwanda R-5 Strings

what a movie! if theres ever been a better example of western/european imperialism at its worst, i havent seen it. the world (and by world i mean the west, central europe and east asia) has complete political disregard for the countries and people of africa. africa has so little economic value, that we ignore it...im going to go out on a limb and include south america as a country being raped by people and governments with guns (guns supplied by america and russia). an amazing movie. especially if you like realistic government conspiracies.

The Recipe For A Superior Race...

this may be a government experiment to see what happens when good looking people mate. tmz reports:

"Now that the world knows that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby, rumors are swirling that their next big step is marriage."
im envisioning a strikingly bizaare looking kid; kind of like maria schriver (arnolds wife). the kids will be lovely, but will still need some work (like tori spelling). ive got to be honest with you, ive never found jolie to be that stunningly attractive. pretty to be sure, but she has taken some really bad pictures. i may be more attracted brad--im just being honest.

Slow Week In Hollywood

sorry all...there just isnt much going on in hollywood to make fun of. there's star jones, but that seems a little too easy. she's starting to look really weird. like al roeker weird. as she gets smaller, her head gets bigger. literally.

Movie Review: Less Than Zero R-2 Strings

this is the kind of movie the tries to exemplify the 80s. yeah, this movie is about the 80s...if you were coked up and living in southern california. jami gertz is not hot nor is she particularly retro. i want to say that this movie really 'gets' the 80s, but its so empty and lame it hurts. hurts...gertz. get it? this is not the 80s (at least my verson of it). i was a junior in high school. what do i know?

Movie Review: Jurassic Park PG13-5 Strings

be a kid again. i was in college when this movie came out, and i felt like i was seeing star wars for the first time. what a movie! thats my worry with technology--it will kill the significance of previous inovation. try a movie with no cynicism and watch this movie.

Movie Review: The Human Stain R-4 Strings

this movie does yeoman's work to an extremely complex book...wicked complex. philip roth is on a literary tear right now. everything he writes is gold. lots of the themes and complexities are lost here...no surprise. the end of this movie is so out of place that its painful. but is strives so hard to tackle the tough issues--it just cant. please...read this book. its four strings because movies will never catch up to the heft of the written word.

Hilton Friendship: Now With Eating Disorder!

"look at thaat heed! like an orange on a toothpick". yahoo reports:
In a tell-all interview in the latest issue of Vanity Fair, on newsstands Wednesday, the Mean Girls star confesses that she experimented with drugs and struggled with bulimia, the latter to blame for whittling her body down to a skeletal figure that even she found "disgusting."

wasnt this already sort of assumed? i know im kind of a cynnic, but when ones head (literally) looks larger than ones body, isnt it always an eating disorder?

Movie Review: The Girl Next Door UR-5 Strings

finally a love story i can get in to!! the truth about cats and dogs? just plain silliness. prostitute moves next door and falls in love with a high school senior? im surprised its taken this long to make. i wholeheartedly endorse any and every single movie that elisha cuthburt is in. every single one. let me repeat...EVERY SINGLE ONE. my list has officially grown to three. you need proof? one scene included two ladies 'interacting', and i stared at cuthburt the entire time. that's love.

Movie Review: The Hole R-4 Strings

im only giving this movie a 4 because i had a number of questions at the end. i can tolerate not getting the ending i want, but dont leave me with confusion at the end. if im going to spend 2 hours of my time, answer all of the important questions (or guide me to a direction). i should give this a 5 just for the fact that keira knightly shares the goods. a dark, frustrating movie.

Guys Getting Endless Trim Named Hot Bachelors

isnt enough that every time they wipe they get more women to fall in love with them? the insider reports:
They're the guys whose broad shoulders and dazzling smiles make Hollywood seem like "Hunkwood." Tonight, we're counting down the buffest, most desirable star bachelors of 2006! • NICK LACHEY • JAMIE FOXX • JAKE GYLLENHAAL • LEONARDO DiCAPRIO • GEORGE CLOONEY

i want to go through the list:
lachey--sympathy hotness, usually handed out generously by oprah show watchers.
foxx--this guy is not handsome. he cleans up nice, but as soon as his mouth opens, things go bad.
gyllenhaal--the opposite of foxx. this guy is only good looking when he smiles
dicaprio--this one makes me mad. he's had more models than i have hair.
clooney--gay (think rock hudson)

Livin Latifah Loca

talk about overexposed. every time i turn around im bumping in to this chick. i want to start a movement pertaining to her: we, as a society, collectively drop the queen part of her name. anyone who self-titles royalty into his or her name is clearly not. your name is now latifah...consider yourself lucky.